Script

Teddy! Don't Go There!

a Live Radio Performance by Students in the DTC 354 Digital Storytelling Class at WSUV

ANNOUNCER: Live, from the north bank of the Columbia River, in the U.S. state of Washington, and the county seat of Clark County (thank you, Wikipedia), we bring you "Teddy! Don't Go There!" an original radio play by students in DTC 354 Digital Storytelling class. A tale of intrigue [Everyone shivers]. A tale mystery [Everyone gasps]. A tale of science fiction [Everyone sings the first chords of The Twilight Zone]. A TRUE tale of history of an American President [Everyone salutes]. The tale of Teddy Roosevelt, or rather how the Rough Riders got their name [Everyone gaffuws].

This story is brought to you by our sponsors--er, I mean, would be if we had any, . . . brought to you, nevertheless, with the help of KOUG Radio, the student owned and operated radio station on the Vancouver campus of Washington State University, streaming on the internet 24/7. On hand to broadcast this fine radio play is the indomitable Cara Cottingham, "Station Manager, DJ and Pure Awesomeness."

PERFORMERS: Psst . . . that's her moniker.

ANNOUNCER: Oh, I mean, "DJ Pure Awesomeness."

PERFORMERS: That's better. [Shakes their heads]

ANNOUNCER: It is also brought to you by the Digital Technology and Culture Program at Washington State University Vancouver.

PERFORMERS: Yeah!!! [they clap, high five, and shake each other's hands].

ANNOUNCER I am Ben Hook, the emcee of this event. [Takes a bow.] We welcome you to our show. We begin with Act 1, set in a dark chamber-like office. There are two dark figures, one is a male sitting at a desk, the other is female . . . [trails off]

Act 1

TR: How do I know this will get the job done? Forgive my reluctance, but I'm not quite sure I can trust the integrity of your product at this point.

SALESWOMAN (Zelda): I completely understand, sir, but I know that you don't have many options. Are you waiting for me to show my badge, Mr. Roosevelt?

TR: [Dry Chuckle] Call me Teddy, sweetheart. *Takes a sip of Scotch* You know a dame like you can really break the proverbial ice.

SALESWOMAN (Zelda): *Leans forward* You have no idea... but we can discuss this another time. Lets stay on track, Teddy.

TR: Let's.

SALESWOMAN (Zelda): My recommendation would be the ION ZX Mark V, deadliest Ion cannon we have on the market. It's dragon scale plated, adamantium coated...

TR [interrupting]: This is all neither here nor there for me, love. Just tell me what it can do.

SALESWOMAN (Zelda): I like your style, Teddy. It's capable of destroying five average sized planets in a single blast.

TR: I assume you get a hefty commission on this sale, correct?

SALESWOMAN (Zelda): I do.

TR: [snickers] I'll take three.

SALESWOMAN (Zelda): [Coyly] But I haven't gotten to the price...

TR: [snickers] I'll take three.

SALESWOMAN (Zelda): [playful chuckle] We'll have them to you as quickly as possible.

[Teddy takes a drag on a cigarette and lets out a long exhale.]

TR: Once this transaction is complete, we have a mutual understanding that we don't know each other, correct?

SALESWOMAN (Zelda): Absolutely, sir. I hope you'll find this product to be most... suitable for your current situation.

TR: Indeed, I would certainly hope so.

[Saleswoman starts to walk towards the exit of the room. Teddy gets up out of his chair and walks her to the door.]

TR: We should do business again soon. Somewhere a little warmer.... A little less underground.

SALESWOMAN (Zelda): We'll be in... touch.

ANNOUNCER: Ah, Teddy, you lech. You'd be a little more careful if you played video games. Saleswoman--yeah, right; that's none other than Zelda, princess of Hyrule! Here she comes now, walking into corporate offices of Ion Cannon Company. Who's that approaching her? Ah, that must be . . wait . . . oh my heavens. . . no, my polar icecap, it's Frankenstein!

FRANKENSTEIN: Where've you been? It's been hours. What do I pay you for?

ZELDA: To sell three of our finest Ion cannons in stock. *slaps order form on Frankenstein's chest* He needs these as soon as possible.

FRANKENSTEIN: *boisterous guffaw* I knew I chose your pretty face for a reason. How about we spend the commission on a private trip for the two of us, you know, get away and forget about everything for a week.

ZELDA: You have a lot of nerve, Frank Stein. I have more important things to spend my commission on, anyway.

FRANKENSTEIN: Eh heh... Doubt it.

ZELDA: Well let's see... I could buy a hatchet, or a laser blaster, or poison ion-gas, or a box of Gogurt, or anything else that will cast you into hell for the rest of eternity.

FRANKENSTEIN: WHAT?! You KNOW I have an irrational fear of fruity goodness on the go, even fruitier when you put them in the freezer!

ZELDA: Not my problem, boss. I have work to do.

[Sounds of Zelda exiting scene and entering a bathroom stall]

ZELDA: [under her breathe] Zounds, I need to get him off my sex-dar. [sigh] I guess I have no other choice... IT'S MORPHIN' TIME!

[Bunch of crazy random sounds]

SHEIK (Zelda): AWWWWW The Great Pyramids of Giza, YEA! Sheik's in the house, you sphinx's!

[Mr Miyagi is hiding in a stall. Cue sound of creaking door/shuffling feet.]

SHEIK (Zelda): Hello? Is someone in here?

MR MIYAGI: [Ominous voice] ...Indeed.

SHEIK (Zelda): Awwww snap!

End of Act 1 (NOT SPOKEN)

ANNOUNCER: Frankenstein? A sheik? A character from the Karate Kid? What's this all about? What's going on? What happened to Teddy? Shades of Pat Morita! [Bends down and whispers mysteriously] And those of you who have never played StarCraft, Homeworld, Homeworld 2, the Command & Conquer series, Unreal Tournament 2004, or seen ANY Star Wars movies, are probably wondering . . . What the hell is an ION CANNON!? All we can say is . . .

PERFORMERS [all together]: Loser! [Makes the L on their forehead].

ANNOUNCER: Ah, but that brings us to Act II. Zelda, now disguised as Sheik, has entered the secret lair off the coast of Alaska to deliver ion cannons to Teddy Roosevelt.

Act II

SHEIK: So, that'll be $40,000,000 please.

TR: Do you take Visa?

SHEIK: Of course. Let me take out the machine... [sound of Zelda pulling credit card machine of her "European Man-Bag"] Alright, just slide the card here.

TR: Okay... [fwish]

SHEIK: So... going hunting?

TR: What?

SHEIK: Well, you know, that's an awful lot of ion cannons for one person...

TR: Oh, you know, lot of cthulhus around here.

SHEIK: Oh, yeah...

[awkward silence]

SHEIK: So, um, I'll just let myself out then...

TR: You sure? You remember the way?

SHEIK: Yeah, I'll be fine.

TR: Remember, go AROUND the cosmic piranha tank.

SHEIK: Yeah, I remember.

TR: Good, good, well, you have a nice day now!

(Have secret base noises be continuous throughout this scene)

SHEIK: You too! [footsteps, humming/whistling as she walks along]

SHEIK: Let's see... AROUND the cosmic piranha tank... Wait... Did I take a left or a right? [footsteps stop] Um...

COWBOY 1: [cowboy voices grow louder] So, didja hear 'bout the solar flare?

COWBOY 2: Nah, whatta 'bout it?

COWBOY 1: Seems like it's been interferin' with them worm holes.

COWBOY 2: Yeh?

COWBOY 1: I heard Teddy sayin' it's gonna back up the next shipment to Highroolz.

COWBOY 2: WHAT?? My ranch's been on the decline lately, I need that money! Can't they jus' ship the cannons through the Cheyenne Mtn. Stargate?

COWBOY 1: Nah, McGyver's been keepin' a real sharp eye on that un.

COWBOY 2: Well, blast. This week jus' keeps gittin' worse 'n' worse! The cows got loose, my mail-order bride got backordered, 'n' now the darn Panama Canal's on the fritz.

SHEIK: [Whispering] ...What? Gah, I gotta get closer... [shoes squeaking, creeping closer]

COWBOY 1: Wait. Didja hear that?

COWBOY 2: Hear what?

COWBOY 1: Sounded like footsteps.

[cowboys are silent for a couple seconds. Maybe very light sound of Zelda breathing]

COWBOY 2: Yer jus' hearin' things. I mean, dealin' with them Highroolz insects got me all jittery.

COWBOY 1: Yeah... yer prob'ly right...

COWBOY 2: Hey, you go t' the tractor pull yesterday?

COWBOY 1: Yeah! How 'bout that... [voices fade out as you hear Zelda walk quietly away...)

[Sheik is now outside the secret lair, seagull and sea lion sounds, sounds of waves.]

SHEIK: This is huge! I need to tell somebody! Teddy Roosevelt's selling cannons to alien insects!!!!

End of Act II (NOT SPOKEN)

ANNOUNCER: Act II comes to a close as our transformed heroine learns about Teddy's evil plot. The dramatic tension is building! [Everyone gasps] We have now reached the crisis portion of our story. Listen! [Everyone gasps].

Act 3:

SHEIK: I must get to the Panama Canal and stop Teddy! But I'm here in Alaska, and the cowboys destroyed my sleigh.

INUIT 1: [from a distance away] There he is!

INUIT 2: [also from distance] Get him, O Inuit brother! He cannot be allowed to escape!

[Sounds: the trample of feet getting closer, cacophony of angry Inuit voices]

SHEIK: Great! Just fracking great! Now he's got the Inuits in his army too? No place to hide, they've already seen me, and those polar bears they're riding will catch up to me in no time.

[Sounds: the growling of bears, trampling getting closer, more Inuit voices]

SHEIK: I still have my ion cannon display sample... That might hold them off for a bit. I have no choice!

INUIT 3: [close now] The president wants him dead!

INUIT 4: [close] Kill the infidel!

SHEIK: Infidel?

INUIT 1: Charge!!

[Music: battle type music]

SHEIK: Take this, Polar scum!

[Ion cannon blast, screams of two Inuits]

SHEIK: Ho Ho! Two down, only two to go!

[Bears, Inuits right next to Sheik now]

SHEIK: Double darn! They're right on top of me now, and the cannon needs another 20 seconds to recharge before I can fire it again! What else could possibly stop those slavering beasts? I'm doomed!

[Music: Here comes the rescue type music]

MR. MIAGI (from a short distance): Wax on, wax off you Ursus maritimus you!!

[Schwing of sword being pulled from scabbard]

MR. MIAGI: Kiyaaaiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!

[Woosh of sword, wet thunk of sword into flesh, blood splatters, bear and Inuit screams]

SHEIK (to himself): Oh my god! Where the Aurora Borealis did he come from? Did he follow me all the way up here?

MR. MIAGI: Hyah! Ki! Wotaiiiii!!!!!

[The battle sounds end as Miagi speaks his last word]

[Music ends]

SHEIK: Thanks for the help, you creeper!

MR. MIAGI: [in omnipresentish voice] Sheik, you must travel to the Panama Canal and stop Teddy Roosevelt from taking the ion cannons through the Stargate to Highroolz.

SHEIK: [under his breath] No bear-doo-doo...

MR. MIAGI: First you must retrieve the key to the locks of the canal. I will travel with you to the canal, for there may be peril along the way.

SHEIK: MAY be peril?

MR. MIAGI: Be warned! If we fail in our quest, Roosevelt's allies, the evil insects of Planet Highroolz, will be able to use the canal as a wormhole to enter our world. Once they have the ion cannons, we will all become slaves to the insect masters.

SHEIK: Right, so...we stop them. Now how do we get to the canal from here?

MR. MIAGI: Leave that to a scene change.

SHEIK: [mumbles] This story's is getting too weird...

[Scene-changyish sparklyish music]

End of Act 3 (NOT SPOKEN)

ANNOUNCER: Holy Nintendo, Batman. Teddy Roosevelt meets The Legend of Zelda meets Rocky Horror Picture Show. How in the world will we ever get to the Roughriders from here?

[Ship's engine. water sounds of sea lapping against ship.]

ANNOUNCER: [Cocks his ear to the sounds] Well, certainly not in this next Act.

Act 4

SHEIK: Mr. Miagi, we've got to stop T.R. and his Secret Cowboys Dragonslayers from trading the ion cannons we sold them to the mutant insect army on planet Highroolz!

MR. MIAGI: [Guttural] Hai! When the net is opened, the fish will enter. The fisherman draws strength as the sea's treasures are harvested.

SHEIK: Yeah... I gotcha! There's the entrance to T.R.'s Panama hideout lair. Let's kick some Dragonslayer tail! IT'S MORPHIN' TIME! [running on dock quite a while. panting. ad-lib stumbling.] Wait for me! [Knock on large door.]

DRAGONSLAYER GUARD: Halt, who goes there?

ZELDA: [Saucily] Hey, it's me, Zelda, from the ion-cannon shop. I've got some new brochures I want to show T.R. These new cannons are sooooo hoooot!

[Large door slowly swings open.]

DRAGONSLAYER GUARD: Oh yeah that sounds go--... Wait, who's this guy?

ZELDA: Oh, this is a sales trainee, Mr. Miagi. (whispers) Give the guard your business card, OK?

MR. MIAGI: Yes, here's my card... PAINT THE FENCE!

[Body blow. Guard collapses.]

ZELDA: Good work! Down the hall!

[Running down hallway. Kicking in door.]

MR. MIAGI: The room... it's stacked to the ceiling with cookies, ice cream, and cheesy poofs. And, look, rows of ion cannons! That big crane puts them into the Stargate!

[Machinery Crane and Stargate watery sound.]

ZELDA: This must be how T.R. is shipping the cannons to Highroolz. Instead, we'll send cookies, ice cream, and cheesy poofs through the Stargate to distract the spider army so they won't help T.R.

[Sounds of grunts as the two lift and move the cookies, ice cream, and cheesy poofs through the Stargate]

ZELDA: Good work! Let's go find T.R.!

[Running down hallway. Kicking in door.]

T.R.: Zelda? What's the meaning of this dramatic intrusion?

ZELDA: We know you've been selling ion cannons to the mutant insects on Highroolz!

T.R.: What?! I can't believe you'd make such a preposterous claim!

ZELDA: It's true! Will you surrender now, or do we battle?

T.R. Never! Teddy Roosevelt and his Secret Cowboy Dragonslayers never surrender to any enemy. You and your friend, er sales associate, don't stand a chance!

MR. MIAGI: You underestimate your opponent, T.R.! Enter, the dragon!

[Miagi transforms into a dragon.]

ZELDA: I didn't know you could do that!

T.R. : Have you forgotten!? We're not called the Dragonslayers for nothing! Charge!

[Sound of charging music, bugles]

[Tremendous battle. Rifle fire. Clanging swords. Dragon blowing flames. ADLIB Miagi saying "Wax on, Wax off. Best Block, No be there. Sand the deck."]

ZELDA: It's just you and me, old man!

T.R.: My cutlass will cut you down!

MR. MIAGI: Paint the fence!

[Rumble and crash of something falling on T.R.]

ZELDA: You didn't have to bury him in rubble, Mr. Miagi.

[Rubble shifting aside as T.R. digs himself out.]

T.R.: Oh, my head. That was one bully hunt! Where am I?

ZELDA: Shut down the Stargate T.R.!

T.R.: Yes, of course, the mutant insect army is armed to the mandibles with ion cannons. They're planning to invade. Why was I helping them? Dragonslayers, shut down the stargate!

[Sounds of mechanical things stopping]

T.R.: Lovely Zelda, can you ever forgive me? I was under the power of a green complected flat-topped fellow. He was making me send the ion cannons through the stargate to planet Highroolz. I believe he and the mutant insect army on the other side were planning to invade our planet.

ZELDA AND MIAGI TOGETHER: Frankenstein!

End of Act 4 (NOT SPOKEN)

ANNOUNCER: Frankenstein, that loveable, pencil-necked Prometheus who dare to thumb his nose--and the rest of his loosely connected appendages--at mortality. Yes, he is back and the cause of this nefarious situation.

Act 5

[Sounds of Frankenstein's monster running through forest. He's breathing heavily. Miagi is close behind with lighter steps.]

MR. MIAGI: [haiku] Prey runs through the wood./ Arms outstretched, moaning loudly.

[Miagi tackles Frankenstein.] Miagi, victor!

MR. MIAGI: [laboring] I shall tie you to this tree! Look, T.R. approaches. The former mind-slave returns as the master of your fate.

SHEIK: I, Sheik, have Frankenstein at your mercy! Shoot him now, Teddy! Remember how he turned you into his mindless puppet? Frankenstein manipulated and controlled you, diminished your self-esteem and made you feel un-empowered!

T.R.: No, as a man of honor I cannot bring myself to shoot Frankenstein while he's tied to a tree. That wouldn't be sporting of me. Mr. Miagi, cut him loose.

SHEIK: (Change of heart.) You mean you're going to let him go; even after all he did to you. Ohhh! That's so sweet.

T.R.: Frankenstein, I will give you a three-count head start before I come hunting for you.

FRANKENSTEIN: Gee, thanks! (Runs off, heavy footsteps)

T.R.: (starts slowly counting) Ooone!

SHEIK: T.R., I think your nickname should be "Frankenstein" in honor of your kind act.

T.R.: Really? Twoooo!

[Rifle shot. Body thud.]

FRANKENSTEIN: (fading) Ooooohhhh.

T.R.: (finishes counting) Three!

SHEIK: Why did you shoot him before the count of three?

T.R.: I once saw a bumper sticker that said, "If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't return, hunt it down and shoot it." And, who wants "Frankenstein" as a nickname, anyway? (Muttering) Teddy "Frankenstein" Roosevelt. Preposterous!

MR. MIAGI: With my dragon force powers, I shall send Frankenstein's body and Planet Highroolz through the Trapeze Nebula where they can never harm anyone again.

T.R.: Bully! And I shall rename my Secret Cowboy Dragonslayers the "Roughriders".

SHEIK: Why the change?

T.R.: I don't know what kind of evil substance Frankenstein got me hooked on, but I'm going to have to detoxify from it. And, detoxing, my friends, is a rough ride!

[Everyone laughs and fades into the background.]

ANNOUNCER: There you have it, boys and girls, men and women, friends and foes, how Teddy Roosevelt's Rough Riders got their name. Not something you would read in the history books. Not something you would even read on Wikipedia.

PERFORMERS: [Yell out] But you'd read it on a blog!

ANNOUNCER: Ah yes, we would only find such imminent truth on a blog (or Fox News). So, we end our little story. And as we do, we wish you a glorious day below the Trapeze Nebula, light years from the Stargate, and thankfully out of reach of Highroolz and the insect overlords who wish to destroy our lives, our liberties, our very American Way of Life.

PERFORMERS: Hip, Hip Hurray!

The End